Family Matters

The 90 rolls of film I mailed away to be scanned arrived yesterday. Many thanks to Chris at Photo 60 for his fine work scanning the negatives. Since it’s too hot and muggy to play outside, I spent the day sorting the pictures. They were all taken somewhere between 1998 and 2003 as near as I can figure. I took them with a Kodak Advantix film camera. At the time, I knew absolutely nothing about photography and the photos were all taken with the camera set to Auto, flash firing as needed.

As I reviewed the images on the bright monitor of my desktop computer, several things became clear. First of all, I took a lot of pictures, at almost every family event, and almost all of them included people. Every birthday party, vacation, holiday, cookout, and bike ride. I also shot roll after roll of film of my family just doing ordinary things in our daily routine. Very few of them were good by any standard of photography, and yet there were many I truly loved. I was shocked by how willingly I experimented and humbled by how often I failed miserably. There were exposure issues, focus problems, and thoughtless compositions. I certainly didn’t scan the frame and think carefully about design elements. Here’s what I know I did: point-and-shoot. And you know what? The results are heartwarming and fun and I cherish these pictures—maybe even more than those I take so carefully these days. I was a better photographer than I gave myself credit for.

Now I am wondering if there is a way to bring together the carefree photography I practiced in those days with the skills I have now as a more experienced photographer. What I see here is the young woman I once was, the one not nearly so concerned with things being a certain way. We all make mistakes as we learn and I have compassion for myself. I’m doing the best I can. Striving for excellence, not perfection.

On Balance

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. As the mother of grown sons, I fully appreciate those competing voices in my head. The one that tells me to rescue my child and sacrifice myself for them and the one that tells me to help them build resilience and competence by taking on challenges. This process goes on across their lifespan and mine, even as I am in my sixties and they are grown men. We are always learning. Seeking balance so that we might be safe and secure, open to the joys of life, and able with withstand the sudden shifts and struggles.

Nothing to Prove

I had one of those weeks when a few things didn’t go my way. Someone backed into my car in a parking lot. There was a change in my health insurance that necessitated a change in my physical therapist. I circled around and around with self-doubt and my inner critic on all fronts. I wish things would ease up and I might find my way to confidence and not caring so much what others think. Just when it seems there is no clear path, I have a long talk with a friend and I am reminded of how it feels to be loved for simply being myself - not for what I do, or how much I help, or how good I am. But for simply being me.

Worth Waiting For

It’s too almost too hot and humid to take pictures outside, so I play around in my garage studio, where the light is soft and the mosquitos mostly leave me alone. I take pictures of fruit and vegetables from our CSA box, sweat running down my back as I try to hold still. I take digital images first. These are those. And then I mount the medium format film camera on the tripod, attach the cable release, and take the same pictures. Different lens, different focal length. Still sweating. The first one is a little busy. The second one, a little wacky. I can’t wait to see how the film versions compare, so you may see these photographs again.

I’ve been waiting my whole life for this. The opportunity to discover myself.