I could have stayed in this place all day long.
Watching families choose a Christmas tree. Making wreaths from fresh greenery. Hiking. Sipping cider.
Catching the beauty before it fades away. These are the gifts of the season.

 
 

“This abundance of berries feels like a pure gift from the land. I have not earned, paid for, nor labored for them. There is no mathematics of worthiness that reckons I deserve them in any way. And yet here they are—along with the sun and the air and the birds and the rain, gathering in the towers of cumulonimbi. You could call them natural resources or ecosystem services, but the Robins and I know them as gifts. We both sing gratitude with our mouths full.

. . . To name the world as gift is to feel one’s membership in the web of reciprocity. It makes you happy—and it makes you accountable. Conceiving of something as a gift changes your relationship to it in a profound way, even though the physical makeup of the “thing” has not changed.”

—Robin Wall Kimmerer, The Serviceberry - An Economy of Abundance

I’ve been thinking a lot about something my physical therapist said to me. “I know you’ve been in unrelenting pain for years. I can feel it in your fascia and your muscles. And yet, when I first met you, I wouldn’t have suspected the level of your suffering. Your countenance is bright and sunny. I never would have guessed that you had chronic pain.” I breathe deeply because it’s a relief to have someone else see it, too. Someone to validate the pain I feel with simple everyday tasks like standing to make a meal or walking through the grocery store.

I wonder if it’s a gift. Being able to find joy even when I am in pain. Feeling gratitude for every little thing. Looking at the bright side. Setting my mind on all that is good and right.

And then I wonder if there is a price for trying so hard to deny the darkness. How many times in my life have I set aside my needs to make others happy? How many times have I pushed through pain, not wanting to impose on others? Too many to count.

I consider how I would like to fill the time and space of my life, the portion that remains. All I know for sure is that creativity is fundamental to my every day. Beyond that, I am open and curious about what the days may hold.

I am learning something important. Something life-changing.

I have a long held belief that if I work hard work and sacrifice myself, if I control everything and everyone, this will keep me/us safe. This belief developed as a form of self-protection when I was a child, and honestly, it probably saved my life.

But now, I am coming to see that I can relax my standards and stop trying to control everything and everyone so much, and still stay safe. It’s okay to relax and let go. Things will be okay.

I see this change in myself reflected in my photography. The journey from very controlled still-life photographs to documenting things as they are represents an elemental change in me. I have a long way to go but this awareness lightens my work.