Enjoy Your Everything
I love to learn new-to-me things. Every once in a while, I learn something that shifts my perspective in a big way. My counselor introduced me to Aristotle’s three types of friendship. I’m sharing a brief explanation here; there are lots of resources online that discuss this framework. Check out this article. Three lessons from Aristotle on friendship.
The friendship of utility. These friendships are based on what someone can do for you, or what you can do for another person. It might be that you put in a good word for someone, and they buy you a gift in return. Such relationships have little to do with character, and can end as soon as any possible use for you or the other person is removed from the equation.
The friendship of pleasure. These are friendships based on enjoyment of a shared activity or the pursuit of fleeting pleasures and emotions. This might be someone you go for drinks with, or join a particular hobby with, and is a common level of association among the young, so Aristotle declared. This type of relationship can again end quickly, dependent as it is on people’s ever-changing likes and dislikes.
The friendship of virtue. These are the people you like for themselves, who typically influence you positively and push you to be a better person. This kind of relationship, based as it is on the character of two self-sufficient equals, is a lot more stable than the previous two categories.
While friendships of utility and pleasure have their place, it is the rare yet pure friendships of virtue that are the greatest contributors to the good life.
Because of old wounds and well-worn patterns, I tend to seek deep connection with every friend (and sometimes with people I don’t even really want to be friends with). And then I get frustrated because I cannot maintain that level of intimacy with so many people. Or because they do not respond in kind. I see now that I have been trying to make every relationship a friendship of virtue. And they are not. Over the last few years, I have let go of several friendships. Fitness friends who I used to walk with every Saturday. I felt guilty, as though I had disappointed them, but we had a friendship of pleasure, and it was okay to move on. Friends who have moved away, and without activities together, the friendship fades. Friendships that were never really friendships in the first place because they were one-sided and sometimes with people I didn’t even like. I’m fortunate to have a few friendships of virtue. I love these women with my whole heart.
Learning this information is like swapping to a wide angle lens where I can see my story more fully, encouraging me to become a stable, self-sufficient person on my own, worthy of virtuous friendship. And the ability to enjoy my everything.